'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
there is glitter all over my balls
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
