I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
