Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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