Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
