I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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