That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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