you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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