I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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