Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
