3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
