i was born a porn star she said
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
