made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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