he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
