Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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