That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
