it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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