If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
