I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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