Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
