my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
