you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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