My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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