What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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