Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
whose parrot is this?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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