can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
