so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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