my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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