Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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