After last night, I could never be a politician.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
