Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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