apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
