ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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