I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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