She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
