dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
