I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
