I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
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