roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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