The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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