if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
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