My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
