She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
