Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
