my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
