walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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