there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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