Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
