So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
