I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
