It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
