sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
