I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
